Reaching Out For Help When You Are Grieving
By Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.
Mourning Brings Healing
When someone you love dies, you must mourn. Mourning is the open expression of your thoughts and feelings regarding the death. It is an essential part of healing. You are beginning to learn that the death of someone loved is not something you get over, get through, put behind you, or move beyond. Instead, you must learn to incorporate this loss into your life and find ways to continue your life's journey.
While you may be able to do some of your grief work alone, you cannot do all of it alone. You need the support of others. Reaching out for help is not a sign of weakness. It is actually a sign of strength and wisdom.
Where To Turn For Help
There are many sources of help available to you as you journey through your grief. Consider the following:
Friends and Family
Sometimes friends and family members can be excellent sources of support. They know you and they care about you. However, sometimes they may be unable to help because they are also grieving the death. Or they may be uncomfortable with your grief and may try to "fix" you or take your grief away. If friends and family members are supportive, use them. If not, seek out other sources of help.
Clergy
If you are part of a faith community, your clergy person may be an excellent source of support. Many clergy members have training in grief counseling and can provide both spiritual and emotional support.
Counselor
A professional grief counselor can help you understand your grief and provide support as you work through your feelings. Look for someone who specializes in grief counseling and with whom you feel comfortable.
Support Groups
Support groups can be very helpful because they provide a safe place where you can be with others who understand what you are going through. In a support group, you can share your experiences and learn from others who are also grieving.
How To Find a Good Counselor
If you decide to seek professional counseling, here are some places to look:
- Hospital referrals: Many hospitals have social workers or counselors who specialize in grief counseling.
- Crisis centers: Local crisis centers often have grief counselors available.
- Physicians: Your family doctor may be able to refer you to a qualified grief counselor.
- Hospice: Hospice organizations often provide grief counseling services to the community, not just to families they have served.
When looking for a counselor, ask about their training and experience with grief counseling. Make sure you feel comfortable with the person and that they understand your unique grief experience.
How To Find A Support Group
Support groups can be found through:
- Hospitals and hospice organizations
- Funeral homes
- Community centers
- Religious organizations
- National organizations such as The Compassionate Friends (for parents who have lost a child), GriefShare, or other specialized groups
Many support groups are free and open to anyone who is grieving. Some groups are specialized (for example, for parents who have lost a child, or for people who have lost a spouse). Find a group that feels right for you.
How To Know If You've Found A "Healthy" Support Group
A healthy support group will:
- Allow you to express your feelings without judgment
- Provide a safe, confidential environment
- Have a trained facilitator who understands grief
- Encourage you to share at your own pace
- Respect your unique grief experience
- Not try to "fix" you or rush your healing
- Provide information and resources about grief
- Help you feel less alone in your grief
If a support group doesn't feel right, try another one. Not every group will be a good fit for you.
Assessing Your Progress
As you work through your grief, you may wonder if you are making progress. While grief is unique to each person, there are some central needs that must be met for healing to occur:
Six Central Needs of Mourning
- Acknowledge Reality: You must acknowledge the reality of the death, both intellectually and emotionally.
- Move Toward Pain: You must allow yourself to experience the pain of your loss.
- Continue Relationship Through Memory: You must find ways to remember the person who died and continue your relationship with them through memory.
- Develop New Self-Identity: You must develop a new identity that incorporates the loss but doesn't define you by it.
- Search For Meaning: You must search for meaning in the death and in your continued life.
- Continue Receiving Support: You must continue to receive support from others as you journey through your grief.
Remember, healing from grief takes time. Be patient with yourself and allow yourself to grieve at your own pace. There is no timetable for grief, and there is no "right" way to grieve.
About the Author
Dr. Alan Wolfelt is recognized as one of North America's leading death educators, authors and grief counselors. His books have sold more than a million copies worldwide and have been translated into many languages. He serves as Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition and is on the faculty at the University of Colorado Medical School's Department of Family Medicine.