The Journey Through Grief

When someone you love dies, you are faced with grief—the thoughts and feelings you experience on the inside. But grief and mourning are different. Grief is what you think and feel on the inside. Mourning is when you take the grief you have on the inside and express it outside yourself.

Another way of defining mourning is "grief gone public" or "the outward expression of grief." There is no one right or only way to mourn. However, to heal, you must mourn. There are six "yield signs" you are likely to encounter on your journey through grief—what I call the "six needs of mourning."

Need 1: Acknowledging The Reality

When someone you love dies, you must acknowledge the reality of the death. This means coming to terms with the fact that the person is gone and will not return. This is often difficult because you may want to deny the reality of the death. You may find yourself thinking, "This can't be happening" or "This must be a mistake."

However, to heal, you must acknowledge both intellectually and emotionally that the person is dead. This doesn't mean you have to like it or accept it immediately, but you must acknowledge it. The funeral ritual can help with this need because it provides a time and place for you to acknowledge the reality of the death.

Need 2: Embracing The Pain

You must allow yourself to experience the pain of your loss. This is often the most difficult need to meet because the pain can be overwhelming. You may want to avoid it, deny it, or escape from it. However, you cannot heal if you do not allow yourself to feel the pain.

Embracing the pain means allowing yourself to cry, to feel sad, to be angry, to feel whatever emotions come up. It means not trying to "be strong" or "keep busy" to avoid the pain. The pain is there because you loved someone, and love and loss go together. The pain is a natural and necessary part of healing.

Need 3: Remembering The Person Through Memory

You must find ways to remember the person who died and continue your relationship with them through memory. This doesn't mean you are "stuck in the past" or "not moving on." It means you are honoring the relationship you had and finding ways to keep that person's memory alive.

You can remember through photos, stories, rituals, or by doing things that remind you of the person. You can talk about them, write about them, or create something in their memory. The goal is to find ways to remember that feel meaningful to you and that help you feel connected to the person who died.

Need 4: Developing A New Self-Identity

When someone you love dies, your identity changes. You may have been a spouse, a parent, a child, a sibling, or a friend. Now that person is gone, and your identity must change to reflect that reality. This can be very difficult because you may not know who you are without that person.

Developing a new self-identity means finding ways to be yourself while incorporating the loss. It means learning to live without the person while still honoring their memory. It means discovering who you are now and who you can become. This is a gradual process that takes time.

Need 5: Searching For Meaning

When someone you love dies, you may find yourself asking "Why?" You may search for meaning in the death and in your continued life. This is a natural and important part of healing. You may ask spiritual questions, philosophical questions, or practical questions.

Searching for meaning doesn't mean you will find answers to all your questions. Some questions may never be answered. However, the process of searching can help you make sense of what has happened and find ways to continue living with purpose and meaning.

Need 6: Receiving Ongoing Support

You cannot do your grief work alone. You need the support of others who understand what you are going through and who will allow you to express your grief. This support can come from friends, family, clergy, counselors, or support groups.

Receiving ongoing support means finding people who will listen without judging, who will allow you to be yourself, and who will be there for you over time. Grief is not something you "get over" quickly, so you need people who will support you throughout your journey.