The Mourner's Bill of Rights
By Alan D. Wolfelt, Ph.D.
When someone you love dies, you must mourn. Mourning is the open expression of your thoughts and feelings regarding the death. It is an essential part of healing. The death of someone loved changes your life forever. The pain of loss can seem unbearable. You may wonder if the overwhelming hurt will ever end. You may wonder if you will survive.
While there are no quick fixes for the pain of grief, there are ways to help yourself heal. This "Bill of Rights" outlines your fundamental rights as a mourner. These rights honor your unique grief experience and support your healing process.
1. Right To Experience Your Own Unique Grief
No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. Your grief is unique because the relationship you had with the person who died was unique. Don't let others tell you how you should feel or when you should feel it. Your grief is yours alone, and you have the right to experience it in your own way.
2. Right To Talk About Your Grief
Talking about your grief will help you heal. Find caring friends and relatives who will listen without judging. They will help you heal. Avoid people who try to steal your grief from you. You have a right to express your grief; no one has the right to take it away.
3. Right To Feel A Multitude Of Emotions
Confusion, disorganization, fear, guilt, relief, or explosive emotions are just a few of the emotions you may feel. Sometimes these emotions will follow each other within a short period of time. Or they may occur simultaneously. As strange as some of these emotions may seem, they are normal and healthy. Allow yourself to learn from these feelings.
4. Right To Be Tolerant Of Your Physical And Emotional Limits
Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave you fatigued. Your ability to think clearly and make decisions may be impaired. And your low energy level may naturally slow you down. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. Lighten your schedule as much as possible. You are not weak, selfish, or uncaring if you make yourself a priority right now.
5. Right To Experience "Griefbursts"
Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening and leave you feeling overwhelmed. These "griefbursts" are a natural response to the death of someone loved. Find someone who understands your feelings and will allow you to talk about them.
6. Right To Make Use Of Ritual
The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved. It helps provide you with the support of caring people. Most importantly, the funeral is a way for you to express your grief outside yourself. If you eliminate this ritual, you often set yourself up to repress your feelings, and you cheat everyone who cares about you of a chance to pay tribute to someone who was, and always will be, loved.
7. Right To Embrace Your Spirituality
If faith is part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you are angry at God because of the death of someone you loved, recognize this feeling as a normal part of your grief work. Find someone to talk with who won't be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.
8. Right To Search For Meaning
You may find yourself asking, "Why did he or she die? Why this way? Why now?" This search for meaning is often another normal part of the healing process. Some questions have answers. Some do not. Actually, the healing occurs in the opportunity to pose the questions, not necessarily in answering them. Find a supportive friend who will listen responsively as you search for meaning.
9. Right To Treasure Your Memories
Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after someone loved dies. Treasure them. Share them with your family and friends. Recognize that your memories may make you laugh or cry. In either case, they are a lasting part of the relationship you had with a very special person in your life.
10. Right To Move Toward Your Grief And Heal
To restore your capacity to love, you must grieve when someone you love dies. You can't heal unless you openly express your grief. Denying your grief will only make it become more confusing and overwhelming. Embrace your grief and heal. Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself.
Remember, the death of someone loved changes your life forever. It's not that you "get over" your grief; you learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again, but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to.
About the Author
Dr. Alan Wolfelt is recognized as one of North America's leading death educators, authors and grief counselors. His books have sold more than a million copies worldwide and have been translated into many languages. He serves as Director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition and is on the faculty at the University of Colorado Medical School's Department of Family Medicine.